My first born
April 21, 2014

This past week, my first born daughter celebrated her 21st birthday. I guess it was a family celebration, as I am her mother and her sisters were very happy to see her and to share her birthday festivities.  

It’s been 21 years since the first time I saw her beautiful face. I remember her face as if it were yesterday. At 7lbs 1oz, her skin was the shade of lite cocoa. She had thick curly black hair and a skin level mole on her check. The mole is still there.  I named her Chadama, a name that I had picked before her birth. When I laid eyes on her, I changed my mind about that name. I wanted to name her: Beautiful, Lovely, or Precious. Chadama just didn’t seem to fit how much of a miracle of life she represented. I had never felt so happy and sad and amazed. 21 years later I still feel the depth of love as if it were my first time seeing her.

Over the years, we have had many up’s and a few downs. I see my life with her has a wonderful adventure. Each year bringing a new gift and a new way of being with her. Here’s to 21++++ more years!

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Money lost, fiath found
November 5, 2013

November 4, 2013: Today i went to the bank to get my rent out, on the bus I had to take a taxi from market and Castro to the girls school so i wouldn’t be late AGAIN…anywho, after stopping by my moms, i got to Safeway to get my money orders, and my rent money was gone. I lost $XXX. Unlike most of you, we’re living pay check to pay check. no husband and no BD doing much for us. this was/is a blow. I called a friend instead of reaching for something to not feel so upset. I didn’t call for money, I needed an ear. She drove to my apt this evening and brought me $xxx. God’s love should show thru your actions not your words. I’ll NEVER forget her kindness. feeling grateful and freakin upset.

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November 5, 2013

I went to bed almost resolved about the lost money. What I know in my heart is that I believed it was lost for someone who needed it more than I. what I didn’t anticipate was the true lesson.  I have tears in my eyes. The power of God will not take you where his grace won’t keep you. I use God because most of you are familiar, but yesterday my 7 yr kneeled in front of our Gohozon without me, and chanted b4 we left the house.  And I know about belief, but faith comes and goes. At least it has until now.

This morning I went to button the top pocket of my coat, a pocket I NEVER USE, and my rent $$$ was sitting there quietly while I watch my LOVING HIGHER POWER show me that I need NOT WORRY ABOUT NOTHING! A lesson in Faith! If you have none, you’re not paying attention…!

My Inspiration!
October 10, 2013

My Inspiration!

me and 2/3 of my crew.

Growing up
July 28, 2013

My adult daughter, has unofficially moved out of the house. Prior to this move, we had many many upsets between the two of us. I was emotionally drained and tired of her behavior over the past year. I was angry, and when she finally left (unofficially), I was worried about the people she left to be with. They were our biological family. 

What has happened is that I’ve found peace with her leaving. And although it is not official, meaning all of her things are here, and of course her name is on the lease, I feel that this is just what the Dr. ordered, and she’s safe, and I’m not worried. 

She’s 20 years old, and she needs this.

 

A mother’s love

Adama

First Year and long week
July 13, 2013

Good Morning, 

I just completed my first year of Graduate school. It was a challenge, but I made it through. I got help from my daughter, Chadama and mom, Jackie. I could not have done it without them. I don’t often show or speak of gratitude because I get caught up in fairy tales of perfection. I often forget about time and energy and the many other things in our days that take away from us, and stops us from having the energy or desire to clean house literally once we’ve gotten home from a busy day, and still have little ones and husbands or wives to feed and check in with.

this week my younger sister and I had a huge falling out, and she has asked me to never contact her again. For me it was a truth that she has shown over the years with her sometimes in an sometimes out of my life, but there were so many things that she had not acknowledged before that i think are big for her. I was initially devastated, but I’ve recovered from the shock, and I know that there are things she needs to heal from. I hope that this is a starting point for her.  

Balance I think is a myth. I don’t need to make sense today of these feelings. I only want to acknowledge that we are at a cross roads. each and everyone of us. 

 

Good Day

 

So I have a child that really does
June 12, 2013

So I have a child that really does not like following directions, and if something is in front of her that she doesn’t want to do, she will not. She’s almost 8, and I’ve gotten used to her crying spells (she cries for 40 minutes on average), which have gotten better since she was a toddler, but harder to deal with because she’s a lot older. She has zero coping skills or strong manipulative skills. I can’t yet figure that out, but she is VERY smart.

She had a dental appointment today, and prior to our arrival, she said, “momma I don’t want to go to the dentist, and when that try to open my mouth with the tool, I’m going to push it out with my tongue”. She made good on that promise. Her behavior was so upsetting that I cried, just a little. I feel that changes need to be made in how I discipline my daughters, and how I run my house. 

I’m coming to realize, that although it’s nice to be fare, I can not use a democratic method raising children. they need a strong leader, and sometimes even a dictator.  Today was the worse day with her. and that’s saying something. 

How did I punish her? I gave her a lengthy “time out” with a promise of double time if that happens again. 

I’m a single parent, and I’m tired. 

It’s been a really long time since I’ve
May 9, 2013

It’s been a really long time since I’ve posted anything. In honor of my children and mother, I want to write some thing. here it is:

S/O to my girls. My oldest, who I’ve had the longest, we’ve been through up’s and down’s more up’s then downs. I’ve taken her across the country and back 3 times. I’ve attended all her sporting events, replaced at least 6 pair of glasses and 5 phones all of which cost more than what I had. She was my easiest pregnancy and birth and child. She fooled me into taking on

Asha, my 2nd born. From birth she’s cried the river Nile. I was at the dr. every 2 wks my entire pregnancy, and her birth was PAINFUL. I found her soft spot. Asha is a very loving child who loves to cuddle, and eat, and cry. She’s a self proclaimed artist, and a penny-pincher. She’s my heart. I think her unique take on life makes me ever aware of whom I am. When I was pregnant with her, I asked their father for another one. He said “no”, but 16 months later

Kamilah, was born, 6lbs 4oz. my smallest child. I call her my little baby. She’s always slept with me. I’ve felt because she was so small that I needed to watch over her. At 6 she has claimed my very space. Her sisters think she’s the favorite, but she’s not. She’s just my little baby. She will not practice boundaries. What’s mine is hers. She has made it clear that she can and will not be shaken off my sleeve. 

These three daughters are my reason for getting up when I’m beat down. They are the reason I smile, laugh, cry, and have hope for the future of humanity.

This is my thank you to them for making the 5 letter word “mommy” the most special word in the spoken word vocabulary. Mother’s day is every day when you’re a mother. 

~Adama

My Girls Only
March 15, 2013

As a single parent, who is in-love with her children, I may have to come to terms with there being a limit to the contribution (time) I can offer an organization. In turn this might limit the amount of money I can earn, maybe!

I’m in Grad school, planning to apply for a PhD, and I work, so my time is a commodity that I need to distribute with thought and care. I see:

  1. Work as the most flexible necessity
  2. School as my fun, my time, my treat to self
  3. Family, my children, as my contribution to the earth, so they are my gift from God, but who they are to others depends on me and how loved and cared for they are.

 With this clarity, Saturday’s are for my girls only.

long time, no write
March 13, 2013

You ever feel like you’ve made a really big boo boo? Or that you’ve made so many boo boo’s that you’re frozen, like a deer in headlights?”

If I were looking at my life from outside of my life, it would appear that I do not plan well. In my twenties, I took on raising a daughter, alone, and business ownership. The first was a success, by my measurements, the second was not. In my late twenty’s I moved to Atlanta, and BOMBED horribly. I moved back to CA with two additions to the family: Asha and Kamilah, my little ones. I love these girls. So at that time I felt that I am taken on the world, ventured out, took chances, made mistakes, and repairs. After several years of the “mishap”, I settled down in CA. me and my three daughters. I got used to starting over. It was harder and harder. I got tired, and I felt it.

I’ve been pretty quiet for the past 3 years or so. Last year I got an idea: I wanted to apply to graduate school, so I did. And guess WHAT????? I got in J I was the only person shocked.

 

Now, I’m in my second semester in the graduate program, and I love it. When I started college at 22, I knew that I was going ALL the WAY, planning to apply to Harvard for PhD.

I’ve driven across the country several times, packed up apartments in no time, but this program (smh as I typing this part), is whipping my butt. It feels like the program is just highlighting how spread out my daily activities are: children in SF, work on Oakland, 1.5 to 1:45 hour commute twice per day, or public transit.

 I’m pooped! So I come to the conclusion that A. I need to work, B. I will not give up on my dreams (grad school and beyond), C. referring to A, I need to change something.

A Parents Concern
January 17, 2013

Good Morning, 

 This Monday, a long time friend lost her only child to suicide. This kid used to play with my oldest daughter years ago when they were children. My heart is heavy with grief. Not just for my friend, but also for myself. You see this past April the night before my adult child’s 19th birthday, she decided to kill herself. After taking a hand full of my blood pressure med, she changed her mind and called the police. She was saved for now. She spent time in the hospital both medical and psychiatric. 

I didn’t believe that she would be alive today. I’ve been afraid and concerned for her mental and emotional health. I also have two younger children, and I don’t know how they’re feeling about this.  I have used what energy I have to support Chadama (my oldest) in making sure she seeks what she needs to not attempt suicide again. 

This morning on my way to work, I was thinking about my friend, as I’ve been praying for her every day and night. And I’m reminded of all the concerns I’ve had about raising my girls. I’m heavy with questions like:

1. What did I do wrong?

2. When and where did I go wrong?

3. What did I miss?

4. My child must hate me.

5. I’ve fucked up. 

My plan is to be available to my friend and my children. This is a tragedy that I’m not sure could have been prevented. Like with my child, maybe there was nothing done wrong by the parent (my friend and I are both single parents).

Still I can’t help what wonder what if…

Adama