My first born
April 21, 2014

This past week, my first born daughter celebrated her 21st birthday. I guess it was a family celebration, as I am her mother and her sisters were very happy to see her and to share her birthday festivities.  

It’s been 21 years since the first time I saw her beautiful face. I remember her face as if it were yesterday. At 7lbs 1oz, her skin was the shade of lite cocoa. She had thick curly black hair and a skin level mole on her check. The mole is still there.  I named her Chadama, a name that I had picked before her birth. When I laid eyes on her, I changed my mind about that name. I wanted to name her: Beautiful, Lovely, or Precious. Chadama just didn’t seem to fit how much of a miracle of life she represented. I had never felt so happy and sad and amazed. 21 years later I still feel the depth of love as if it were my first time seeing her.

Over the years, we have had many up’s and a few downs. I see my life with her has a wonderful adventure. Each year bringing a new gift and a new way of being with her. Here’s to 21++++ more years!

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Growing up
July 28, 2013

My adult daughter, has unofficially moved out of the house. Prior to this move, we had many many upsets between the two of us. I was emotionally drained and tired of her behavior over the past year. I was angry, and when she finally left (unofficially), I was worried about the people she left to be with. They were our biological family. 

What has happened is that I’ve found peace with her leaving. And although it is not official, meaning all of her things are here, and of course her name is on the lease, I feel that this is just what the Dr. ordered, and she’s safe, and I’m not worried. 

She’s 20 years old, and she needs this.

 

A mother’s love

Adama

It’s been a really long time since I’ve
May 9, 2013

It’s been a really long time since I’ve posted anything. In honor of my children and mother, I want to write some thing. here it is:

S/O to my girls. My oldest, who I’ve had the longest, we’ve been through up’s and down’s more up’s then downs. I’ve taken her across the country and back 3 times. I’ve attended all her sporting events, replaced at least 6 pair of glasses and 5 phones all of which cost more than what I had. She was my easiest pregnancy and birth and child. She fooled me into taking on

Asha, my 2nd born. From birth she’s cried the river Nile. I was at the dr. every 2 wks my entire pregnancy, and her birth was PAINFUL. I found her soft spot. Asha is a very loving child who loves to cuddle, and eat, and cry. She’s a self proclaimed artist, and a penny-pincher. She’s my heart. I think her unique take on life makes me ever aware of whom I am. When I was pregnant with her, I asked their father for another one. He said “no”, but 16 months later

Kamilah, was born, 6lbs 4oz. my smallest child. I call her my little baby. She’s always slept with me. I’ve felt because she was so small that I needed to watch over her. At 6 she has claimed my very space. Her sisters think she’s the favorite, but she’s not. She’s just my little baby. She will not practice boundaries. What’s mine is hers. She has made it clear that she can and will not be shaken off my sleeve. 

These three daughters are my reason for getting up when I’m beat down. They are the reason I smile, laugh, cry, and have hope for the future of humanity.

This is my thank you to them for making the 5 letter word “mommy” the most special word in the spoken word vocabulary. Mother’s day is every day when you’re a mother. 

~Adama

My Girls Only
March 15, 2013

As a single parent, who is in-love with her children, I may have to come to terms with there being a limit to the contribution (time) I can offer an organization. In turn this might limit the amount of money I can earn, maybe!

I’m in Grad school, planning to apply for a PhD, and I work, so my time is a commodity that I need to distribute with thought and care. I see:

  1. Work as the most flexible necessity
  2. School as my fun, my time, my treat to self
  3. Family, my children, as my contribution to the earth, so they are my gift from God, but who they are to others depends on me and how loved and cared for they are.

 With this clarity, Saturday’s are for my girls only.

A Parents Concern
January 17, 2013

Good Morning, 

 This Monday, a long time friend lost her only child to suicide. This kid used to play with my oldest daughter years ago when they were children. My heart is heavy with grief. Not just for my friend, but also for myself. You see this past April the night before my adult child’s 19th birthday, she decided to kill herself. After taking a hand full of my blood pressure med, she changed her mind and called the police. She was saved for now. She spent time in the hospital both medical and psychiatric. 

I didn’t believe that she would be alive today. I’ve been afraid and concerned for her mental and emotional health. I also have two younger children, and I don’t know how they’re feeling about this.  I have used what energy I have to support Chadama (my oldest) in making sure she seeks what she needs to not attempt suicide again. 

This morning on my way to work, I was thinking about my friend, as I’ve been praying for her every day and night. And I’m reminded of all the concerns I’ve had about raising my girls. I’m heavy with questions like:

1. What did I do wrong?

2. When and where did I go wrong?

3. What did I miss?

4. My child must hate me.

5. I’ve fucked up. 

My plan is to be available to my friend and my children. This is a tragedy that I’m not sure could have been prevented. Like with my child, maybe there was nothing done wrong by the parent (my friend and I are both single parents).

Still I can’t help what wonder what if…

Adama

Balance
January 9, 2013

I’m feeling inspired. It’s taken me up to 6 years to adjust and find my balance in my new family. I was a single mom of 1 child for 12 years, and it was not without hardship, but being a single mom of 3 has been a real challenge. I found myself wanting to be a “good” mother and play fair with their father. I let him contribute what (time/money) he can without demanding more. I was not in touch with the impact his resistance to step up had on me spiritually, emotionally and mentally. Part of my process of finding balance in these areas, was to let him go completely. I did not need to call or text to say I was letting him go. I just did.  Before letting him go, I had to let go of the anger, pain and resentment I was harboring by accepting that he is who he is, and our daughters are not enough for him to be more in his life. WOW what freedom. 

After this was complete, I had to accept that my bed is not my own. Their (my girls) bed is theirs and my bed is theirs. lol I love my girls.

 

Adama

I know why the caged Bird SIngs
January 8, 2013

This is a very popular title. Although I’ve never read the book, today it hit me. I sing (complain, hate getting up in the morning) because I deal with sibling conflict every morning. It drains me.  

From Dec 17, 2012 to Jan 7, 2013 my little ones were on vacation, and my adult child stayed home with them, so I did not have to wake them for two weeks and I was able to sleep until after 7am. 

My point is, this morning, the second day back to school Kamilah (6) comes to me crying, saying that Asha (7) is “messing” with her. Asha yells back “she’s lying”. Kamilah falls out on the carpet and starts kicking and screaming. I’m eating breakfast and refuse to get involved with the routine fights of the morning, so I pushed Kamilah to go brush her teeth in the other bathroom. She cried a little longer, but was quiet all the way to school.

Asha was upset that I asked about the events in the bathroom, and almost teared up, but stopped. She pouted until we reached outside, then she angrily stated “it’s cold and i hate walking in the cold”. Now yesterday it was cold, and she said “tomorrow I’m wearing my big purple coat so that I’ll be warm”. Ask yourself, “did she wear the purple coat, or the pretty new sweater she got for x-mas?” You’re correct, she wore the pretty sweater. I reminded her before we left the house that she wanted to wear the purple coat. Five blocks later, she still had a frown on her face, so I asked “what’s the matter are you still too cold?” She said, “No” I asked “well what’s wrong?”… Are you ready for the reply? She said, “I can’t see the moon.”

This would have been funny, if they hadn’t already drained a bit from me with the fight earlier this morning. 

From this point on, I will sing a different tune. No more complaints only solutions.  

 

Adama 

 

Summer Nanny
January 4, 2013

Good Morning, 

I’m creating a project that will involve 20 nannies volunteering their time (up to 10 hours per week) to single parents, who would otherwise not be able to afford help, and does not have family support, for this summer. I am now looking for any research or articles that show the positive effects that regular support has on a family (parent and child). If you know of any leads, please post links in your comments.

If this has been done before, please post links to the results (if documented) and/or nannies, childcare providers, and families who were involved. 

Thank you so much, 

Adama

 

 

A 5 year olds perspective on politics
October 31, 2012

I asked my 5 year old who she would vote for in the up coming presidential election. She said Obama. I said, “Oh (hearing her address him by last name only was a bit off putting). I asked why, and she well Obama has the American flag and the one with the R. I said Mitt Romney. Her, yes Mitt Romney don’t. I said Mitt Romney is an American too. She was puzzled for a moment. Then she said I’ll vote for Obama because he’s black and I’m black and we are the same.

 

Remember to vote. For whatever your reasons are for witch ever candidate, make sure that you be heard.

Adama

attention
April 3, 2012

my eldest child is new to being an adult. She’s not present to the impact of her words, and actions have on others. She’s claimed that she’s felt that she’s wanted to commit suicide. this ALARMED me to say the least.

lately she’s been distant, so naturally I’ve been concerned. I spoke with her this morning, and I got that she got that i am genuinely concerned. She choose to not ease my concern. I got that she’s looking for attention. Today I’m choosing to not pay attention to the negative, and to nurture the behavior I want to see more of. parenting 101.

 

Also there is another side to this story. When she was a small child, because of how my mother spoke of my dad, I choose to say little to nothing about her dad to her. I choose him, she didn’t and it is a disservice to her to impose my views of him on her. 

the only time she spent with him was created by me. he never attempted to see her. so a couple of years ago, she started going to his house on her own. Curiosity! He showed up as himself, and now she’s heart broken. He talks very badly of me. She’s told me recently that she wished she had known something about him, she wished that I had told her. She wished she had never discussed me with him. I couldn’t, my relationship is not as a child of his, but of something else. She asked why don’t I, even in the face of his verbal attacks, don’t I attack back? It’s not who I am. I feel that I got the best of him in her. I will never put him down in front of her. I will never taint her view of him, with my experience of him. I see that I have hurt her by remaining silent. She was not prepared for him. 

If I had it to do over, I wouldn’t have changed a thing in my choice to remain silent.

 

Adama