A Parents Concern
January 17, 2013

Good Morning, 

 This Monday, a long time friend lost her only child to suicide. This kid used to play with my oldest daughter years ago when they were children. My heart is heavy with grief. Not just for my friend, but also for myself. You see this past April the night before my adult child’s 19th birthday, she decided to kill herself. After taking a hand full of my blood pressure med, she changed her mind and called the police. She was saved for now. She spent time in the hospital both medical and psychiatric. 

I didn’t believe that she would be alive today. I’ve been afraid and concerned for her mental and emotional health. I also have two younger children, and I don’t know how they’re feeling about this.  I have used what energy I have to support Chadama (my oldest) in making sure she seeks what she needs to not attempt suicide again. 

This morning on my way to work, I was thinking about my friend, as I’ve been praying for her every day and night. And I’m reminded of all the concerns I’ve had about raising my girls. I’m heavy with questions like:

1. What did I do wrong?

2. When and where did I go wrong?

3. What did I miss?

4. My child must hate me.

5. I’ve fucked up. 

My plan is to be available to my friend and my children. This is a tragedy that I’m not sure could have been prevented. Like with my child, maybe there was nothing done wrong by the parent (my friend and I are both single parents).

Still I can’t help what wonder what if…

Adama

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Balance
January 9, 2013

I’m feeling inspired. It’s taken me up to 6 years to adjust and find my balance in my new family. I was a single mom of 1 child for 12 years, and it was not without hardship, but being a single mom of 3 has been a real challenge. I found myself wanting to be a “good” mother and play fair with their father. I let him contribute what (time/money) he can without demanding more. I was not in touch with the impact his resistance to step up had on me spiritually, emotionally and mentally. Part of my process of finding balance in these areas, was to let him go completely. I did not need to call or text to say I was letting him go. I just did.  Before letting him go, I had to let go of the anger, pain and resentment I was harboring by accepting that he is who he is, and our daughters are not enough for him to be more in his life. WOW what freedom. 

After this was complete, I had to accept that my bed is not my own. Their (my girls) bed is theirs and my bed is theirs. lol I love my girls.

 

Adama

attention
April 3, 2012

my eldest child is new to being an adult. She’s not present to the impact of her words, and actions have on others. She’s claimed that she’s felt that she’s wanted to commit suicide. this ALARMED me to say the least.

lately she’s been distant, so naturally I’ve been concerned. I spoke with her this morning, and I got that she got that i am genuinely concerned. She choose to not ease my concern. I got that she’s looking for attention. Today I’m choosing to not pay attention to the negative, and to nurture the behavior I want to see more of. parenting 101.

 

Also there is another side to this story. When she was a small child, because of how my mother spoke of my dad, I choose to say little to nothing about her dad to her. I choose him, she didn’t and it is a disservice to her to impose my views of him on her. 

the only time she spent with him was created by me. he never attempted to see her. so a couple of years ago, she started going to his house on her own. Curiosity! He showed up as himself, and now she’s heart broken. He talks very badly of me. She’s told me recently that she wished she had known something about him, she wished that I had told her. She wished she had never discussed me with him. I couldn’t, my relationship is not as a child of his, but of something else. She asked why don’t I, even in the face of his verbal attacks, don’t I attack back? It’s not who I am. I feel that I got the best of him in her. I will never put him down in front of her. I will never taint her view of him, with my experience of him. I see that I have hurt her by remaining silent. She was not prepared for him. 

If I had it to do over, I wouldn’t have changed a thing in my choice to remain silent.

 

Adama

This is the Life
October 11, 2011

Greetings,

It’s been a long three days. My 2nd born was ill Friday, but I think she was afraid that she’d be in trouble with her teacher. She misplaced the star of the week bear. We found it.

I’m getting ready to have it all. me time, them time, and we time.

Catch Up
October 4, 2011

It’s been several days since my last post, and there are several reasons why I have not blogged, but I will not go deep into them.  What I will say is my life needs a bit more workability.

Over the past few days I’ve gotten a lot accomplished, and I’ve been moving one step at a time, AND I see many places where I need plans in place.

As I wake each morning with my lovely children, and start our commute, my enthusiasm diminishes.  I heard myself say today that I hate my life. The parts that I love sometimes gets crowded with the parts that aren’t working.

I want to do more with my money than pay bills. So I am looking for a new apartment in a beautiful neighborhood that cost less than what I’m currently paying.  We have a very large apartment now (size doesn’t matter), but the neighborhood stinks (really).

I’m tired of moving and having this unmanageable life.  Looking for peace.

Adama

Sept 30-TIRED
October 1, 2011

In keeping my Blog public, I will not reveal my children’s names, but I feel that it is time for formal introductions.

My little baby, this morning she said, “When I was little, and you pushed me in the stroller, I saw a chicken and I was scared of it” Really? I thought to myself. Her stories are about 2 things: when she was little (she’s only about 3.5 ft tall), and how in love she is.

My second born, Oh boy, she used to cry so much that I had to constantly say, “I love you”. at 6yrs old, she can sound out most words she hears spelled. her appetite is as large as mine. lol her and I share birth order, so when I want to show connection with her, I use two fingers and tap them on my shoulder saying Second born. This ALWAYS brings a smile to her face.

My teenager, she is very helpful, but if asked for assistance, she’ll resist. she looooves sugar, like her mom.  When I look at her, it is unbelievable how big she is. I miss holding her as a small child. Oh when she tells stories, they are long stories. she doesn’t miss a single detail.

Then there’s the mom, single, and have been for the past 4 yrs. I have a full time job, and I hardly ever have a moment to myself. This is because I have not asked for help. Today I’m asking for assistance with childcare, and I feel guilty most times if I’m needing some time alone. I do 95% of the lives for all of us alone, but I’m finding that I need to do less than that. From my experience and desire for my children to be well loved, and me a balanced life, my desire to live alone and be alone, are diminishing.

Adama

Sept 29th
September 30, 2011

9:27pm and both little ones are sleeping. they proudly completed their homework, and I patiently and proudly assisted. I read to one then paused and guided the other with tally marks. There were a ton of tally marks in this assignment.  I created spaghetti with butter, whole corn, lemon pepper, and salt for dinner, and they loved it.  With only my income supporting the 4 of us, and one more full day until pay day, we are STRAPPED for food. Tomorrows dinner will be interesting.

My teen is in her room on the phone and she wants to leave school 6 weeks into her first semester. I’ve said her entire life that I will support anything, except a choice to do NOTHING. Give me your plan, and I’ll help you get there.  I am surprisingly NOT shocked that I have EVERY intention to NOT support an adult child that doesn’t want to assist in her own support.

Adama

Ending Sept 28, 2011
September 29, 2011

Today is my mother’s 57th birthday, and she’s in the hospital recovering from a nasty fall.  2 of my daughters and I visited her for a short time this evening.

This day began with us having an extra 15 minutes of sleep, which left us 35 minutes to get dressed and leave for school and work. The commute was quieter than usual. Usually one of my little ones find a reason to cry, and I’m rushing, not physically, to get them to school (those poor teachers).  With the quiet commute, I was able to be with my children for this short time we have before leaving them for 10 hours.

So the end of our day, was lovely. I so appreciate my mother, children and the teachers in between.

Adama